One of the biggest challenges can be marrying the emotions of your legal family with your emotions regarding your biological family. Nearly every adoptees is coping with some sort of abandonment issue. Finding people who will commit to being with you can be vital to your stability during the process.

When I sought out my biological family, I had a small report from a social worker to go on, and that was about it. What I knew was that I was the daughter of a teenager and the product of rape. I was adopted into a stable, loving home, and was very much wanted and supported, but the knowledge that I was the product of violence was difficult to process. I suffered through bouts of sadness and anger. Building my self worth was a constant battle. After all, the people who were supposed to love me from the get go, abandoned me, right? Who would want a product of violence?

Now, the practical, mature part of my brain knew that wasn’t true.  Objectively I knew that my biological family made the best decision they could for me, but emotions are rarely rational.

Having understanding support nearby is key to maintaining some measure of expectation management during this challenging time. The fears can be very powerful.  There are a million ‘What ifs’ that speak more loudly than ever. What if they reject you again? What if they are no longer living? Every scenario possible goes through your head.

Having a counselor on your side to sort through these feelings can be a great resource. Family counselors may also help your friends and family learn how to support you most effectively.  There is no guidebook or map to reconnection. Each experience is entirely unique. In my experience, I learned that my mother was a scared teenager who said she was raped, but she actually knew my biological father, and still had his contact information. She answered my initial questions and then we lost touch – what was likely for the best. My biological father, who I never expected to be able to find, has turned out to become a good friend. My parents and friends stood by with committed support as I went through all the wide range of emotions, from anger to hurt to forgiveness, to understanding and compassion.

Talking to others about the journey can be hard, but asking for the support you need can help keep you level headed and combat the loneliness that lingers for many adoptees. It also helps others get a window into some of the unique challenges of our lives.

Each story is unique. Not every reconnection has a happy ending. But each life is valuable. No man is an island – and that couldn’t be truer than when we’re going through milestone journeys in our lives.

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Adoptees come from many different circumstances. If you have older siblings, they may be a good resource for possible names (and support) in locating biological relatives.

If that turns up dry, the first step is to get ahold of your original birth certificate. The original birth certificate is usually part of the state or adoption agency’s records. Contact the agency your family used to bring you home (this is especially useful if you’re place of birth is outside of the United States), or the Social Worker’s office that handled your adoption. Keep in mind that this may NOT be your local social worker’s office. If you have changed counties or states, this may mean doing a bit of research to find the hospital you were born at and use their county’s Social Services contact information.

Now, back in 1999, I was making daily phone calls, driving some poor social worker nuts trying to get information on my birth parents. I was mailed a Consent to Contact form, and my biological mother (the only parent on my original birth certificate), was sent one as well. I returned mine immediately, and proceeded to call the social worker every day to find the status of its mate.

While the Consent to Contact form is still necessary, many states offer open adoption records, which include the biological parent’s names, and any updated contact information the parent has submitted over the years. Sometimes, it’s as simple as getting a social worker to look in that file and give you the information. Most of the time, this isn’t the case. The information is often outdated at best, and at worst, simply not there.

The age of the internet has happened since my search began, and there are a LOT of online means to aid in your search as well.  Registries exist that you can post to, to share information in the hopes that your biological family stumbles across your post. Other folks (though very few) have had success in posting a photo on social media that states some basic information, like “I was born on January 10th, 1976 at St John’s hospital in Spokane, Washington. I’m looking for my biological mother/father.” This sign might include known information about the biological parents and requests to share far and wide. There is even an online course you can take to make you a near expert on your adoption search.

The key to this search is perseverance. It can take a lot of time, and there is always the chance that the biological family will have no desire to have an ongoing relationship, but there is also the chance that it could bring a little more love into your life. And isn’t that a chance worth taking?

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